To: Him. Joy.

Ask me, why I'm here today? Out of all days, why now?
Because it's the day that will never come by again, 6th of April 2016 - when on earth it will happen again? NEVER. Can time turn back to this very day? NEVER. Indeed a very simple and meaningful day. A very. very overdue meetup session after 6 years, with the guy that I've longed to meet, longed to interact and longed to spend time with.

This is the guy that caught my attention back then in A-Level 2011 (A2). Not the first guy that caught me off guard but the first guy that I deeply in love. The definition of love in my dictionary is still absurd, but I know the very basic definition of love, PARTNER, COMPANION, RELATION-SHIP.
IMO, love is where there is a mutual understanding between two people, in another word, connection. I can't tell the type of love but I can tell the amount of love I have for someone. I have infinite love for my family members, my dogs, but this guy, this prince charming, well in my eyes he is one, I couldn't describe the amount of love I have for him, not sure to which extent or what could stop me from loving him. I know one thing for sure, that nothing could ever stop me from doing so. I couldn't stop loving him, couldn't stop thinking about him and the best part, I couldn't even erase his image from my mind, my memory throughout the 6 years. During that period, I admit that I stalked his Facebook sometimes because I miss him, as simple as that. Prior to the completion of A-Level, I confessed to him through text messages, (yes I am a coward and I have no guts to confront him directly) expressing to him how I felt towards him. His reply to my confession was partially normal and surprising. Why normal? Because he isn't ready for any kind of relationship but rather focus on studies. Move on to the surprising part, that he is willing to maintain our friendship and never let such matter stopping it. Of course, I opt for the green light. Why should I stop if I could go forward, right?

There was one time I met him in my university library, he was sitting across me and I just had to greet because he is the one that my heart wants, badly. So regardless of how I look, I just have to do what I need to do, which is to sit with and talk to him. It is as if God giving me the opportunity for reconnection, but I believe in such things, that good vibes are in this reconnection. In a more straightforwardly put, I believe in the concept of 'Everything happened for a reason' and 'Best things are worth the wait'. I'm not sure whether my message relayed clearly which I hope it does.

Tell me,
How often you have a guy that you've expressed your real feelings about him to him, and still willingly to have a one-to-one breakfast date with you, and talked about himself more to you, and giving you adulthood advises, telling you his goals, his journey, his history and all sorts?

Tell me,
How often you have a guy that remain his friendship with you after knowing the truth from your own mouth, after knowing that you fell for him back then?

Tell me,
How often you have a guy that still message you after everything both of you have been through, constantly replying you even though he is at his peak of the time?

All questions have been answered at one go with today's breakfast.
This breakfast date means a lot to me because it is the first crush-date (inserting the crush word because we are not a couple) after 6 years. I've been waiting for this very day, just to have some of my time spent with only him. I was heck nervous in the night before and nervous would lead me to overthink. I told myself, positively, that I could go through this because this is the time that determine my journey, my hope, my belong, in his circle(s). Being together with him, no matter friendship or relationship is what makes me happy. Everything will base on this breakfast date, FATE.

Fortunately, it went well, much better than I expected. I enjoyed every moment, minute and second counts. I wanted to write everything here, A-Z of what happened, but if I do so, I know nothing will be stored in my memory, and it wouldn't be special anymore. I want it to be special, I want today to be remembered forever, making today's moments, topics, laughter, food, feelings, basically all memories of today to be unforgettable is challenging. I consider this tiny matter to be challenging because people have the tendency to forget, including their best of the best memories/time. I need today to motivate me, to keep me alive in the world of love rather than sinking into the darkness, losing hope and faith in myself. I even wonder myself in this state, when you have the plus, you will have the minus.

Because I'm afraid I couldn't reach his standard, he is a bright man, he maturely behaves, he is practically entering into the adulthood (unlike me still playful at this current age of mine), he set goals and doing his very best to work towards its path, he is visionary, a knowledgeable master graduate in Architecture, and aiming to venture in Finance. Whereas I am here, sitting and lazing around, still living the unemployment life. I wish I could walk the same path as him, but I can't, all I can do now is to stand by his side regardless the circumstances, catch him when he falls and push him up to stand again, pick him up to walk again, hug him tight to release the stress in him, because it's hurtful to see him suffer, to see him living the burdensome life (because Architecture is a no joke course), but all these are part and parcel of life. Things that we would eventually face when we grow up into another hood. He may not treat me as his close friend, but I will forever and always treat him more than a friend, may be good, may be best, maybe partner, definitely a guy that taught me to be patience in love and never give up, a guy that taught me about loving someone so deeply, a guy that taught me to be myself and be strong in all circumstances (whether rejection or things didn't turn out as you want it to be).

A gentleman in every way, to do the order, to ensure the bill is paid, to offer to pay the bill (even though I don't want him to), to insist of sending me back to the doorstep, to offer his fried chicken and ensure I finished the rest of the chicken, to ensure I am dehydrated by offering to order another COLD drink when I said I'm good (because I was having teh tarik)

"Do you want another drink?" 
"No I'm good." 
"You sure you don't want another COLD drink?" 
"Okay la, What are you ordering?"
"I order this." (pointing his cup)
"I order same as yours la."
"My one is kosong, no sugar."
"Can la. What is it?"
"Teh Ais Kosong."

After the aneh passed us our second drink, I tasted and said, "This is actually nice, my first time drinking this." He chuckled. 
So he tasted his and said, "This is not kosong." I said, "Is it? No wonder it tastes different. Haha!" And he said, "This is too sweet." I chuckled and said, "Funny la you. Want to change or not?" He said, "No need la." I said, "You sure?" He said, "Don't want la. It's okay." (while sipping his drink and look away from it after that). 
He's still slightly young at heart, although he looks like a mature man.


,to comfort me when I told him my unfortunate dealings with people, to give me suggestions and advice on the future steps, to question me on specific things, to make sure I cross the road safely by putting his hand over my shoulder and ask me to watch out (side note, best of all), to see me teasing him, to ensure I look at his every smile, to ensure I look how he sipped his last few sips of tea (which look like a small boy HA!), to ensure I thoroughly look into him, to look into his eyes while conversing, and most of all to make sure I am happy with the time spent together with him (fuck yeah!). Despite there were few awkward encounters, I managed to settle with few jokes and teases, so I think it wasn't as bad as I thought. Really glad that I manage to pull off the awkwardness. (Being myself is the only way to manage it which I'm thankful for the awkwardness if not I wouldn't show him the real me, but hey I did throughout our date, till I hopped off from his car and entered home).

 I put every sweat and tears in typing this post, with a smile cheek-to-cheek whenever I enter into another paragraph. For me, this is some kind of achievement, like a to-do that I've checked in the list. What a relief that I've finally got through this and pretty content with the breakfast date with someone I especially love. My hope-to-be Mr Right.

Lonesome Post.

I shall declare this as the lonesome post. Because, it's time for some lonesome.

My Self Summary
Just an ordinary young lady, living the ordinary life, in the meantime doing her best to make her life extraordinary. Simple attributes, with open-minded mindset, not the typical Chinese ought to be, humble, considerate, passionate and loving characters. You may find me compulsive, stubborn and in a negative state of mind sometimes but I presume everyone has its own good and bad.

Outdoorsy, but could do indoors too. Need to pump up the life with activities and events to keep myself occupied from negativity, which is the purpose of social networking. Distractions shuckballs, socializing is the key. I am a very straightforward person. I could say anything right into your fce. Honesty is the most important thing in a friendship. What's important is TO BE YOURSELF, the positive one, which I currently am.


What I'm Doing With My Life.
I would like to continue learning and experience different of everything. And I WOULD LOVE TO TRAVEL ALL OVER THE WORLD, to search for myself as I still have a long way ahead.


I'm Really Good At
Well, not really good but in the midst of learning which I think I have not complete learning, because what I have absorbed and adapted right now isn't enough. I crave for more.
Hereby present my INTEREST.

Trekking.

Hiking, Mountain Climbing.

Biking.

Swimming.

Talking.

Mixing.

Photographing.

Planning

Managing.

Traveling.

Laughing.

Eating.

Walking.

Penny Boarding.

Reading.

Thinking.

Understanding.

Caring.

Sometimes shout when I'm excited.

Very, very, and I mean very, Straightforward, direct.

Honesty.

So far this is what I have in me. 

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, & Food.

First of all, I am not gonna specify all but I'mma narrow it down.

Books - All depends on the genre as well as the author. I do less of history and literature, biography, magazines, but sometimes that's where the authenticity comes from, or ideas, concepts, viewpoints, reviews. Content plays an essential role too.

Movie - I need YouTube for trailers, IMDB and sometimes Wikipedia for castings, plots, and ratings. Rotten Tomato for reviews and other websites that showcase interviews and premieres, to determine my interest for each movie. I could do everything, why? Because if you don't, how would you know the outcome right? RIGHT.

Shows - Arrow, The Flash, Marvel's Agents of SHIELD, DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Girls, Lucifer, The Night Manager, BBC's Sherlock, Agent Carter, Hannibal, The X-Files, Elementary, Luther, Quantico, Gotham, Suits, Constantine, The Fall, and etc. Anime too, too many to list out. 

Music - As long as they're catchy and meaningful lyrics. When I hear, I Shazam, I know, I decide, I download and I transfer.

Food - Dare to explore more of what I've tasted with my taste buds - Western, English, Italian, Mediterranean, Indonesian, Malaysian, Chinese, Mexican, except, Philipino food. All kinds, err-kinds.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

What will happen next?

Life.

People - Individials & Groups.

Contingencies.

Friendship.

Experiences.

Somewhat over-thinker.

My upcoming cravings.

My routines.

My happenings.

My becoming (Postive or Negative)

My attitude.

Treatment from others (friends, family, relatives, acquaintances).

Opinions and point of views.

Many of the WHYs.

Many of the WHAT IFs.

Many of the HOWs.

Many of the WHATs.

Observe a lot.

Ponder a lot.

Hence, I'm a good observer and thinker.

On a typical Friday night, I am
Loving, keen to have a deep conversation with my buddies, partners or someone that I truly close to and fully trust with.
Movies-TV series marathon, alone or with someone, or a group of individuals.
Wrapped up in burrito and meals in bed.

How To Take Control Of Any Conversation

An article extract from Huffington Post, written and posted by Ashley Hamilton, published on the Huffington Post website on March 16th, 2016, 11.14AM.

Posting it here as a reminder to myself, that I need to have the power lead in every conversation. Setting this up as a motivation to me too, which I am encouraged to constantly remind myself positively to start up my day. Hence, this publication posting.

"Your opening line makes all the difference."

The next time you walk into an important meeting, think carefully about your first few words. According to positive psychology researcher and ayuthor Michelle Gielan, the initial words we speak have a huge impact on ho well -- or not so well -- the conversation will go.

To set the right tone from the start, Gielan, a former national news broadcaster; says to use what she calls the power lead. "The power lead is where we start off conversations, emails, meetings, phone calls with something positive and meaningful," Gielan says in the above #OWNSHOW video. "It doesn't have to be something big."

For example, if someone asks how she's doing, makes sure to take this mundane question and craft a strong response. "I'm great! I had breakfast with my son this morning and he was being so cute," she says.

It may sound simple, but Gielan says a positive comment will yield much better results than a ho-hum response. "It offers them a window into our world, and -- this is the most important reason -- it encourages people to reciprocate," she says. "We match the mood. If someone comes at you with something positive, usually you'll follow through with something positive as well."

By using the power lead, Gielan says you can take control of the conversation and even change its trajectory.
" As a researcher; if I know the first few words of a conversation, I can predict with a high degree of accuracy the outcome of that conversation," she says.

Am I Wrong? AM I?

Am I wrong to assume on things that didn't happen?
Am I wrong to think what others thought about me?
Am I wrong to answer you without thinking nor hesitation?
Am I wrong to not talk to you?
Am I wrong to showcase my sulky face?
Am I wrong to showcase my tiredness to the people out there?
Am I wrong not to hide my smile?
Am I wrong to assume opinions?
Am I wrong to behave unexpectedly upon you?
Am I wrong to keep silent?
Am I wrong to forget about you?
Am I wrong to bother about you?
Am I wrong to think that I've left out from a group?
Am I wrong to think that I'm no invited?
Am I wrong to be too nice to people?
Am I wrong to be mad at people?
Am I wrong to not message you first?
Am I wrong to not search for you?
Am I wrong to not look out for you?
Am I wrong to support you?
Am I wrong to talk back to you?
Am I wrong to care for you?
Am I wrong to considerate for you?
Am I wrong to introduce you to the others?
Am I wrong to lend a hand to those in need?
Am I wrong to get betrayed?
Am I wrong to get acknowledged?
Am I wrong to get underestimated?
Am I wrong to ignore you?
Am I wrong to cancel you out from my life?
Am I wrong to experience all these bullshit?
Am I wrong to deal with life in different ways?
Am I wrong to face life with bravery?
Am I wrong to fulfill my life with experiences?
Am I wrong to fill up my routines with adventurous trips?
Am I wrong to travel around the world?
Am I wrong to find my inner peace?
Am I wrong to laugh at myself?
Am I wrong to be selfish?
Am I wrong to be ignorance?
Am I wrong to be open-minded?
Am I wrong to ponder upon life?
Am I wrong to concern for the people?
Am I wrong for being just?
Am I wrong for being competitive?
Am I wrong to be knowledgeable?
Am I wrong to be selective?
Am I wrong to be surrounded with nerds?
Am I wrong to be clever?
Am I wrong to mix with cool kids?
Am I wrong to be snobbish?
Am I wrong to be honest?
Am I wrong to be humorous?
Am I wrong to laugh at everything?
Am I wrong to shout?
Am I wrong to scream my lungs out?
Am I wrong to run away from problems?
Am I wrong to face my fear?
Am I wrong to escape the negatives?
Am I wrong to support and adapt the disadvantages?
Am I wrong to be alone?
Am I wrong to be lonesome?
Am I wrong to judge?
Am I wrong to opt for negative feedback or judgment?
Am I wrong to accept the positive feedback or judgment?
Am I wrong to not think about others' judgment about me?
Am I wrong to pretend everything is okay?
Am I wrong to overthink?
Am I wrong to be childish?
Am I wrong to be mature?
Am I wrong to be a human being?
Am I wrong to regret to not be an animal?
Am I wrong to love myself?
Am I wrong to hate myself?
Am I wrong to love life?
Am I wrong to hate life?
Am I wrong to fulfill my life to the fullest?
Am I wrong to empty my life to the emptiest?

Tell me, AM I?