To: Him. Joy.

Ask me, why I'm here today? Out of all days, why now?
Because it's the day that will never come by again, 6th of April 2016 - when on earth it will happen again? NEVER. Can time turn back to this very day? NEVER. Indeed a very simple and meaningful day. A very. very overdue meetup session after 6 years, with the guy that I've longed to meet, longed to interact and longed to spend time with.

This is the guy that caught my attention back then in A-Level 2011 (A2). Not the first guy that caught me off guard but the first guy that I deeply in love. The definition of love in my dictionary is still absurd, but I know the very basic definition of love, PARTNER, COMPANION, RELATION-SHIP.
IMO, love is where there is a mutual understanding between two people, in another word, connection. I can't tell the type of love but I can tell the amount of love I have for someone. I have infinite love for my family members, my dogs, but this guy, this prince charming, well in my eyes he is one, I couldn't describe the amount of love I have for him, not sure to which extent or what could stop me from loving him. I know one thing for sure, that nothing could ever stop me from doing so. I couldn't stop loving him, couldn't stop thinking about him and the best part, I couldn't even erase his image from my mind, my memory throughout the 6 years. During that period, I admit that I stalked his Facebook sometimes because I miss him, as simple as that. Prior to the completion of A-Level, I confessed to him through text messages, (yes I am a coward and I have no guts to confront him directly) expressing to him how I felt towards him. His reply to my confession was partially normal and surprising. Why normal? Because he isn't ready for any kind of relationship but rather focus on studies. Move on to the surprising part, that he is willing to maintain our friendship and never let such matter stopping it. Of course, I opt for the green light. Why should I stop if I could go forward, right?

There was one time I met him in my university library, he was sitting across me and I just had to greet because he is the one that my heart wants, badly. So regardless of how I look, I just have to do what I need to do, which is to sit with and talk to him. It is as if God giving me the opportunity for reconnection, but I believe in such things, that good vibes are in this reconnection. In a more straightforwardly put, I believe in the concept of 'Everything happened for a reason' and 'Best things are worth the wait'. I'm not sure whether my message relayed clearly which I hope it does.

Tell me,
How often you have a guy that you've expressed your real feelings about him to him, and still willingly to have a one-to-one breakfast date with you, and talked about himself more to you, and giving you adulthood advises, telling you his goals, his journey, his history and all sorts?

Tell me,
How often you have a guy that remain his friendship with you after knowing the truth from your own mouth, after knowing that you fell for him back then?

Tell me,
How often you have a guy that still message you after everything both of you have been through, constantly replying you even though he is at his peak of the time?

All questions have been answered at one go with today's breakfast.
This breakfast date means a lot to me because it is the first crush-date (inserting the crush word because we are not a couple) after 6 years. I've been waiting for this very day, just to have some of my time spent with only him. I was heck nervous in the night before and nervous would lead me to overthink. I told myself, positively, that I could go through this because this is the time that determine my journey, my hope, my belong, in his circle(s). Being together with him, no matter friendship or relationship is what makes me happy. Everything will base on this breakfast date, FATE.

Fortunately, it went well, much better than I expected. I enjoyed every moment, minute and second counts. I wanted to write everything here, A-Z of what happened, but if I do so, I know nothing will be stored in my memory, and it wouldn't be special anymore. I want it to be special, I want today to be remembered forever, making today's moments, topics, laughter, food, feelings, basically all memories of today to be unforgettable is challenging. I consider this tiny matter to be challenging because people have the tendency to forget, including their best of the best memories/time. I need today to motivate me, to keep me alive in the world of love rather than sinking into the darkness, losing hope and faith in myself. I even wonder myself in this state, when you have the plus, you will have the minus.

Because I'm afraid I couldn't reach his standard, he is a bright man, he maturely behaves, he is practically entering into the adulthood (unlike me still playful at this current age of mine), he set goals and doing his very best to work towards its path, he is visionary, a knowledgeable master graduate in Architecture, and aiming to venture in Finance. Whereas I am here, sitting and lazing around, still living the unemployment life. I wish I could walk the same path as him, but I can't, all I can do now is to stand by his side regardless the circumstances, catch him when he falls and push him up to stand again, pick him up to walk again, hug him tight to release the stress in him, because it's hurtful to see him suffer, to see him living the burdensome life (because Architecture is a no joke course), but all these are part and parcel of life. Things that we would eventually face when we grow up into another hood. He may not treat me as his close friend, but I will forever and always treat him more than a friend, may be good, may be best, maybe partner, definitely a guy that taught me to be patience in love and never give up, a guy that taught me about loving someone so deeply, a guy that taught me to be myself and be strong in all circumstances (whether rejection or things didn't turn out as you want it to be).

A gentleman in every way, to do the order, to ensure the bill is paid, to offer to pay the bill (even though I don't want him to), to insist of sending me back to the doorstep, to offer his fried chicken and ensure I finished the rest of the chicken, to ensure I am dehydrated by offering to order another COLD drink when I said I'm good (because I was having teh tarik)

"Do you want another drink?" 
"No I'm good." 
"You sure you don't want another COLD drink?" 
"Okay la, What are you ordering?"
"I order this." (pointing his cup)
"I order same as yours la."
"My one is kosong, no sugar."
"Can la. What is it?"
"Teh Ais Kosong."

After the aneh passed us our second drink, I tasted and said, "This is actually nice, my first time drinking this." He chuckled. 
So he tasted his and said, "This is not kosong." I said, "Is it? No wonder it tastes different. Haha!" And he said, "This is too sweet." I chuckled and said, "Funny la you. Want to change or not?" He said, "No need la." I said, "You sure?" He said, "Don't want la. It's okay." (while sipping his drink and look away from it after that). 
He's still slightly young at heart, although he looks like a mature man.


,to comfort me when I told him my unfortunate dealings with people, to give me suggestions and advice on the future steps, to question me on specific things, to make sure I cross the road safely by putting his hand over my shoulder and ask me to watch out (side note, best of all), to see me teasing him, to ensure I look at his every smile, to ensure I look how he sipped his last few sips of tea (which look like a small boy HA!), to ensure I thoroughly look into him, to look into his eyes while conversing, and most of all to make sure I am happy with the time spent together with him (fuck yeah!). Despite there were few awkward encounters, I managed to settle with few jokes and teases, so I think it wasn't as bad as I thought. Really glad that I manage to pull off the awkwardness. (Being myself is the only way to manage it which I'm thankful for the awkwardness if not I wouldn't show him the real me, but hey I did throughout our date, till I hopped off from his car and entered home).

 I put every sweat and tears in typing this post, with a smile cheek-to-cheek whenever I enter into another paragraph. For me, this is some kind of achievement, like a to-do that I've checked in the list. What a relief that I've finally got through this and pretty content with the breakfast date with someone I especially love. My hope-to-be Mr Right.